OF SISTERS AND THINGS { KITTY BENNET}

[MISS JANE BENNET]

The assembly at Meryton had been a night to remember. There was so much pleasantness in the evening that Jane could hardly contain herself. Renewing acquaintances, dancing, laughing with her sister, and then there was the arrival of Mr. Bingley. Jane could not remember a time in all her years that she had made the acquaintance of a more agreeable and well-mannered gentleman. She had thought herself to be the luckiest of all the girls in Meryton when he had asked her to dance. To think someone who was of that importance had asked her to dance! But Jane had found more than an amiable dancing partner that evening. They had talked and conversed and he actually listened to what she had to say, a trait that many in Meryton were lacking.

Jane had felt as if she were floating in the heavens upon returning home and could hardly sleep a wink that night. Instead she and Lizzie had stayed up all night talking. Or rather Lizzie was reassuring Jane that Mr. Bingley had indeed become as taken with her as she was with him. It was refreshing and exciting to feel like this again. To wonder as to the impression one made, was it reciprocated, was there an opportunity to get to know each other better? Jane knew it was far to early to think of such things as marriage as Mrs. Bennet was doing but she couldn’t help but believe a spark had been formed that night.

Now that the initial hype from the ball was over Jane could take a moment to breathe and to relax. No doubt she would be the subject of much gossip and scorn amongst the single eligible ladies of Meryton but she hardly cared. But rather than face that prospect upon a trip to Meryton that Lydia had convinced Kitty, Mary and Lizzie to go on she had opted to stay home. Now believing herself to be alone, for she had wandered up to the room she shared with Lizzie she took out her sketch book and charcoal pencil intending to draw for a little while.

But what to draw? Jane had so many drawings of sparrows nestled in tree branches, garden flowers, and the like. With a rather secretive grin on her face she decided on a new subject. With a rather concentrated look in her eye and teeth absently chewing on her lip she began to sketch with great thought and care. Occasionally she would glance up from her work, concerned when she heard a noise out of place that her secret work would be discovered. But for thirty blissful minutes she was uninterrupted before she stopped to admire her work.

As she gazed down at her sketch she couldn’t help but be pleased with the half-finished portrait of Mr. Bingley. It had been tricky work sketching from memory. However her pleasure was disturbed mere moments later when she had a visitor at her door. Scrambling to hide her most recent creation from her sister she shoved the portrait underneath several drawings of teacups and flowers and regarded her sister pleasantly.

“ Kitty! I thought you had gone into town with the others dearest.” she said pleasantly, the blush in her cheeks betraying the embarrassment of what she had been doing.

[Miss Catherine Bennet]

It was unusual for Kitty to refuse the opportunity of a visit to the shops in Meryton, not to mention the opportunity to admire the fine militia gentlemen that were currently stationed there, but she had managed not to make it too noticeable as she had claimed a sudden but fastidious headache. With perhaps less flair than Mama's bouts of nerves, she had nevertheless convinced her sisters that while nothing threatening it would be better to remain home while they walked to town. Having two other sisters to go with, Lydia had not been overly bothered by losing one and so with nary a complaint, Kitty had been left to rest in the downstairs parlour.

Reclining for a while, just in case somebody happened to check-in on her, Kitty had ample time to think back on the night of the Assembly and all that it had transpired. In all honesty, she had not enjoyed it as she had thought she would. With the exception of the Netherfield party, who could not have made any substantial difference to her night, everything had been the same. Even Mary had tried to monopolise the pianoforte as usual. So, why would she remember the night with a tinge of unease?

Trying to retrace her steps throughout the whole evening, Kitty was stuck by the sudden realisation that it was precisely the fact that nothing had been out of the ordinary that she was dissatisfied with. She was almost eighteen years of age now, and she was still following Lydia around, flirting with red coats who - although handsome - were of no real importance to her. And getting reprimanded for it was starting to smart. She was no longer a child after all, and being scolded in public was becoming harder to brush off with a laugh like her younger sister seemed to be able to do.

In need of counsel, Kitty immediately went in search of the one person she knew would tell her the truth, not a lecture, her sister Jane. As luck would have it she too had elected to stay home rather than visit Meryton but she was not downstairs, nor was she outside as she had confirmed with a quick query to Mrs Hill. Climbing the stairs to the next floor, Kitty quietly made her way to Jane and Lizzie's room and, noticing the open door, she entered without making her presence known first. Her appearance caused a flurry of activity in the usually calm and poised Jane, and even the beginnings of a blush to appear on her eldest sister's face. Whatever had she been doing to cause such a reaction? She seemed to be holding a sketch-book with several drawings on it. Surely that didn't warrant embarrassment?

"Sorry to have startled you so, Jane. Am I disturbing you?" Were it another time perhaps she could have muster the playfulness to tease her older sister about whatever it was she thought she had been caught doing, today she felt all but playful. Her quiet voice and hesitant manner of address could also demonstrate that, no need for Lizzie's keen eyes, it was clear as day that something was bothering Kitty.

[MISS JANE BENNET]

Jane loved all her sisters. That was a simple and very true fact. How could she not? For she was the eldest and had seen each one of the youngest grow from infancy to the women they were today. It was true however that although fond of all her sisters, she was closest with Lizzie. Perhaps it was their age, or the close quarters they had shared all these years but Jane and Lizzie had grown not only to be sisters but the very best of friends. Upon Lydia’s birth she had seen the same pairing grow between Kitty and Lydia. The two were also close in age and shared a room and seemed to have formed a strong friendship of their own. However where Lizzie and Jane’s relationship seemed to compliment each other, Lydia’s personality nearly eclipsed Kitty’s entirely.

As the eldest of the five sisters Jane had only the very best of intentions when it came towards all her sisters. She felt a need to protect them all from the cruelties this world had to offer, after all it came with the job. So when Kitty dutifully followed Lydia into making a spectacle of herself in numerous social occasions Jane tried her best, along with Lizzie to make them see how very damning society could be based on their behavior. Unfortunately while Jane had good intentions at heart, most of her warnings were brushed off with a laugh or giggle and they resumed their behavior. So out of necessity to protect their own reputations Jane and Lizzie had found the need to separate from their family in public.

But here in the privacy of their home Jane was always available should any of her younger siblings need her. Her wardrobe was open for the taking, anything they wanted they could borrow with scarcely needing to ask. So was her shoulder to cry on, and her ears for listening to their problems. She wanted nothing more than to see to each one of their happiness and anything she could provide she was glad to give. So when Kitty showed up at her door wishing to talk she was welcomed in with open arms.

Banking on the fact that Kitty had not seen her bit of folly she gingerly placed her sketch book aside and gestured for her to come in and take a seat next to her by the window sill. She could tell by the look in her eye and the timbre of her voice that Kitty was troubled by something and Jane was only to eager to help. It was not that often that Kitty went to anyone other than Lydia with her problems, but she wouldn’t dream of turning her sister away.

“ Never fear dear sister, I recover easily. I was distracted by my silly sketching ‘tis all.” she said waving the apology aside. “ You are not disturbing me in the slightest Kitty. Please come in.” she invited her soft voice meant to be both soothing and warm. She knew that Lizzie wouldn’t mind Kitty coming into their room and she hoped that it might serve as a sanctuary where they could talk privately.

“ Are you well? You seem troubled by something dearest.” she asked her eyes betraying the concern she felt for her sister, but her smile betrayed how pleased she was that she chose to come to her.

[Miss Catherine Bennet]

Loving her sisters was easy, she could not stop it any more that she could stop breathing, liking them however was another matter completely. She barely had a rapport with Mary, even though they were the closest in age, and she often felt intimidated by Lizzie. Not that her older sister knowingly set out to do so, but Kitty felt it nonetheless. Lydia and Jane, a more bizarre coupling could not be found, were the ones she felt more at ease with. Jane was the sweetest champion any of the sisters could ever ask for. Always willing to see the best in people and always there with a kind smile to sooth a skinned knee or a torn ribbon. On Lydia and Kitty's relationship tomes could be written and, no matter her recent doubts or the past slights, she could never regret the years lived side by side and the fond memories of all the silliness they came up with.

But, as pleasant as the reveries of the past were, she knew the real problem would be the future. Because she did not think she could keep on going down the same path, not if she wanted a chance of becoming her own person and leading a happy life.

Mustering a weak smile, Kitty followed Jane's invitation and sat down alongside her sister on the window sill. Adjusting her dress on her lap, for want of anything else to distract her nervous hands, Kitty raised her face and sent a curious glance at the afore-mentioned sketching pad. "Sketching isn't silly... I mean, I'm sure your drawings are not silly at all." She back-tracked her sentence, not wanting to look like she was criticizing her sister on her choice of words. She had long since accepted that the least silly thing about herself was her penchant for drawing and painting, but that was something she had been keeping secret from everybody else. It was her agitated state that had made it almost slip out. Although, she supposed that if anyone had to find out about her secret hobby, Jane was perhaps the best option out of all her family.

"A bit of a headache, not to worry Jane. I've been thinking a lot these past few days and it seems my brain is protesting at the unusual work I put it through.." She let out a soft giggle, self-deprecatingly, as she momentarily squeezed one of Jane's hand in a reassuring manner. Nothing was the matter with her, right? Except perhaps everything..

"You are certain I'm not interrupting you, truly? I know it's rare to have the house this quiet with five of us girls and I can come back another time.." Her courage wasn't the strongest, and now that she was in front of Jane about to confess what was in fact troubling her, she wasn't sure she could manage it. It was infinitely easier to live in the shadows, and there were many worse names than 'silly girl' so why did she need to change the status quo? Why?

[MISS JANE BENNET]

Jane watched Kitty come in with a concerned look on her face. Oh my, whatever this was had to be of the gravest importance for Jane could not remember the last time Kitty sought anyone’s counsel but Lydia’s. Whereas Kitty was nervous and used her hands to adjust her gown in order to distract herself, Jane sat with her hands folded in her lap, a smile on her face and ears ready to listen. When Kitty glanced down at Jane’s sketch book Jane instinctively placed a hand over it in protection. Although the sweetest of champions she might be, she also was rather protective of those things she enjoyed. Drawing had always been a favorite pastime of hers, but precious few would know for she only drew under the most secret of circumstances. Jane could hardly bare it if anyone was to spy her work and be overly critical of it. As such. Lizzie was the only person outside of Jane herself who had ever lain view on what lied inside her book.

Although to the non-discerning eye, her sketches might be of frivolities and silly things such as tea cups and flowers. There were also sketches in there that gave glimpse to who Jane was at a person. She had a great difficulty letting people in, especially after what happened to her years earlier regarding her beau. So it had become easier for Jane to draw what she felt rather than express it in words. “ Just silly trinkets, flowers and birds in the nest and the like. Hardly worth anyone’s notice.” she said shrugging absently. Her hand still resting very protectively over her most treasured possession.

Upon hearing Kitty’s declaration regarding her brain Jane squeezed her sister’s hand in kind. “ Thinking of what dearest? The assembly?” she asked curiously . Although Kitty usually followed in Lydia's rather forceful lead, Jane had long sense suspected that Kitty was smarter than she appeared. Jane was not accustomed to having more than silly conversations with her youngest siblings regarding ribbons and shoe buckles. The only conclusion she could draw was that something had transpired during the assembly that weighed heavily on her younger sister’s mind.

“ Kitty, you are many things to me. But a bother is not one of them.” Jane said, her fair eyebrows creasing in curiosity in regards to what plagued her younger sister. “ Besides, you are quite right. Who knows when this opportunity shall come again where we might speak without prying ears?” she chided gently. Although Jane trusted that if Kitty was to seek her counsel Lizzie would bow out gracefully and give them the privacy they needed she had rather lingering doubts if Lydia or Mary would follow in kind.

[Miss Catherine Bennet]

Keeping secrets in a house-hold full of sisters was not easy by any means, it would have to be something one held extremely dear and was highly protective of, and how droll that it happened to be the same thing for both Jane and Kitty. Nobody had ever compared her to 'sweet and perfect Jane', nor would she had ever believed them if they had, but the knowledge could have helped her dismiss any lingering anxiety.

She did remember Jane's past suitor, and all of the commotion that followed the lack of a formal agreement, but having been too young to properly understand at the time she could not have guessed that her elder sister still bore the scars. Nor would have anyone, truly, for Jane still appeared as the epitome of all that is sweet and kind. Never in a million years would Kitty think of Jane as riddled with insecurities like herself, how could Jane ever feel as lost as she did? Jane shined bright like a diamond and she was a common piece of glass..

But Jane was right, this was perhaps the only chance she would have for a while, so carpe diem.

"How perceptive of you sister.. Or is it that you still cringe at the remembrance of the scene we made, Lydia and I?" Her tone had took a decisive turn towards the self-reproach. Kitty was indeed smarter than anybody gave her credit for, though she could not fault them for assuming she was as silly as she appeared to be, as she seldom stepped out from behind Lydia's shadow.

"I know not when I began to discern the difference between how I comported myself and how I should.. I guess I grew so accoustomed to being the younger sister that I had not yet realised that I have nonetheless become a grown up. And that certain behaviours become less endearing with age.." She began to explain, her gaze alternating between her sister's concerned visage and the landscape outside the window. Her realisation that her behaviour was beginning to border on unlady-like, now that she was of a certain age, had come from an unlikely source. While at the Assembly she'd happened to overhear the Netherfield ladies discussing the people and more in particular the younger crowd there, and well their words had not been nice but were they mistaken? Would she feel better if her foolishness was described with prettier words? No, she would not. "Was I really that terrible, Jane? Dancing like a savage with no thought of decency?" She found the courage to ask, easily recalling the words as if they'd been branded on the inside of her eyelids, her voice trembling a little with badly-concealed anguish.

[MISS JANE BENNET]

If only dear Kitty knew how to deep Jane’s emotional scars went. Having grown up always the ‘second’ to Lizzie and Lydia had never quite sat well with Jane. She loved her sisters to be sure, but sometimes it was not easy to be second or to be third or fourth in their parents’ affections for that matter. When Jane had been bewitched by her first suitor she had foolishly believed that perhaps she was worthy of being first in someone’s affections but the bliss was short lived. So Jane kept most at an arm’s length for fear of getting hurt again. She never revealed to much about herself, and scarcely expressed her true thoughts to anyone save Lizzie. And the stratagem had worked for the most part. She was sweetness and light and most inhabitants thought her shyness becoming rather than a defense mechanism and were only to happy to talk of themselves instead of her. Over the years she had settled into some semblance of a routine, putting others ahead of herself. And eventually she began to derive pleasure from seeing others happy.

When Kitty mentioned the assembly, Jane’s eyes widened with surprise. Kitty admitting that they had made a scene? What on earth had gotten into her younger sister’s head? Whatever it was Jane hoped that the sense that got knocked into her head stayed there. “ Well I have many reasons to remember the assembly quite fondly.” she said trying to gentle the blow somewhat. Lydia and Kitty had made a spectacle of themselves in regards to the gentlemen. Dropping handkerchiefs to facilitate forced introductions, shameless and open flirting, monopolizing dance partners and so much more, Jane had watched from a distance with a look of disappointment on her face. Had she not become so taken with Mr. Bingley she might have even tried to intervene on her sister’s behalf. However her own enjoyment took precedence over reprimanding her sisters and she had left them to it.

“ It is a realization every young lady must endure at some point dearest. You just reached that conclusion a little later than Lizzie and I did.” she said hoping to get through to Kitty at this point. “ And for all our trying, it is a realization that only you could have. Lizzie and I could not make you see this until you were ready to.” she said honestly to her sister.

“ Oh Kitty, society can be such a very hurtful place. “ she said, wishing that she could take the pain away from her sister. “ That is why propriety and decorum are so very important. To protect yourself from the scorn and ridicule of those that would seek to hurt you.” she said. “ I know you dearest sister, and I do not believe for a second you conduct yourself in such a manner in public on purpose. But the enthusiasm in which we know it to be can be perceived very negatively by those whom do not know you.” Jane said. She would not lie to her sister, she did not believe in untruths and although hurtful to hear such words perhaps they would help Kitty in the future.